


the pain of living ( and the drug of dreams )

by wearealltalesintheend



Series: to a flat world of changing lights and noise [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I'm sorry this is sad, what happens next
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 11:50:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9322283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearealltalesintheend/pseuds/wearealltalesintheend
Summary: "After the whirlwind that follows, silence is the first thing Todd notices."or, a moment in time, before what happens next, and peace is not an option.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First things first, the title was taken from the poem Animula by T. S. Eliot.  
> Second, I'm sorry for any mistakes, this, as always, was the result of my word vomiting and hoping for the best. It is also the result of my drowning in feels after the season finale. I'm never going to be okay after that.
> 
> Anyways, on with the story.

After the whirlwind that follows, silence is the first thing Todd notices.

 

He's standing in the middle of his apartment, debris and broken pieces still scattered at his feet, and isn't karma a real bitch? Because now he can't even trash his own place to express his frustrations because someone else already did it for him.

 

So, he's standing there, and it's all so still, so _quiet_ , that something snaps inside him, because how _wrong_ is that? The universe has no business being so _idle_ when everything has gone to shit.

 

_( because above all, the quiet and the stillness are screaming proof of how Dirk is utterly gone gone gone )_

And isn't that the understatement of the century?

Because things had gone to shit _before_ , with the Men of the Machine and Lydia and Patrick Spring. _That_ was a gone-to-shit situation. _This?_ This is a complete new level of fucked up.

Todd briefly wonders what would have happened had he locked his window.

_( he wonders but the thought of it stings and aches and hurts  and)_

What gets to him is the idleness. He looks outside and the city of Seattle looks back like nothing is happening, as if there had been no panic in Amanda's voice when she called, as if Dirk hadn't been kidnapped, as if Farah's hand hadn't been shaking when she closed the door. The city unfolds beneath the Ridgely and it's all _wrong_ because it's all _normal._ There should be more thunder or hurricanes or something, _anything,_ to show that this is _not_ what the universe wants, because after time machines and time loops and holistic detectives the alternative seems frightening.

 

It has been what, an hour? Or something. It's been more than an hour since Farah had shoved him inside the apartment, said _Amanda's coming, wait for her_ , closed the door. Which, by the way, is a very moot point because that lock has been broken so many times over the last few days that it's beyond fixing. Kind of like his situation, come to think of it.

 

_(  I was going to fix it! I was going to fix everything! )_

And he had wanted to say _no, I'll go with you_ but there was a dizziness in his head and his hands were shaking when minutes ago they had been _burning and melting._ So he didn't say anything, he nodded, sat down, stared at his hands.

 

So, it has been more than an hour since he had been screaming on the floor and his hands are still shaking and hot. Todd can recognize the irony of it all, but really, couldn't this disease have chosen a better time to make itself known? Sometime when they aren't about to break into a CIA facility? Like literally _any other time?_

 

_( because Todd may not be sure about much, but one thing he knows: they are getting them all back )_

 

He begins cleaning the place. He begins picking up the million shards of million different things on his floor. Todd begins to clean it all up because it's been more than an hour and Amanda isn't there yet and Dirk is gone and Farah is still god knows where. He begins to clean and throw it all away because it clinks and crashes and it chases away the silence.

 

( _there is silence when there should be impossible blabbering or loud drums or quiet talking or )_

 

And Todd is trying very hard not to think, because everytime he lets his mind wander, he sees dark rooms and screams and prison cells and _why isn't Amanda here yet?_

 

_( Amanda would laugh at him, ridiculous and pathetic, waiting and waiting when his friends need his help )_

 

And oh god, _Amanda_. She should be safe, she shouldn't have to run from CIA agents, she deserves so much _better._ And Todd's her brother, he should've been there to protect her. _He should've been there._

 

And Dirk. Todd is trying very hard not to think about it too. Because he remembers the way Dirk's face crumbled and fell when talking about Blackwing, the way his eyes became distant and haunted, and so, so _sad._ Todd is his friend and Dirk wasn't supposed to be alone, not anymore. Todd should've been there too.

 

Farah. Todd doesn't know where Farah is, something about contacts and leads and help. Farah was a force of nature and Todd had been helpless in her wake. She is out there and Todd should be with her, helping, being useful, _anything._

 

_( His hand is bleeding. There is red blood dripping on the kitchen floor and it takes Todd a few minutes to realize that yes, that is a very real cut. He wonders if this is what his life will be now, never sure of reality )_

 

There are so many places Todd should've been, things he should've done, words he should've said.

 

Instead, Todd waits and worries.

 

But Amanda is coming and Farah will be back soon, and then they will figure it all out. They have to, because Dirk is gone and there was panic in Amanda's voice on the phone and Farah's hands were shaking when she closed the door and Todd's hands were burning and melting an hour ago.

 

In the whirlwind that follows, there is silence.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! You made it to the end, that's awesome! Thanks for reading! And if you liked, found it moderately amusing or hated it with every fiber of your being or just want to scream about Dirk Gently, you can leave a comment or kudo! It takes no time at all and it waters my crops and feeds my animals.  
> You can also come scream at me on [my tumblr](http://wearealltalesintheend.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And hey? Thanks.


End file.
